Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
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