So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
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