My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
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