I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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