I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize