he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
Randomize
