I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
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