just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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