Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
