I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Randomize
