I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
Someone came in the potted fern
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
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