Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
