I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Randomize
