I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Lost. The hour! Funtime!!!!
You're never going to guess who I just worked out next to..
Who?
Chris brown
No way... I bet he was intense
Are you kidding? He was prob training for round two
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
There's a naked man in my car right now.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Randomize
