I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
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