i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize