Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
Thats a flattering suggestion doug but lets be clear NO you may not put your face in my vagina just because ur not charging me a cover. sorry.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Randomize
