After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
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