i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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