so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
I stole a fireplace last night.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
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