You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Randomize
