i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
Randomize
