I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
Randomize
