all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
Randomize
