respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
