I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
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