Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
aw he's cute...not in a i wanna rip his clothes off way more of a put him in my pocket and keep him as a pet
And occasionally lick whipped cream off them abs
Exactly.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
Randomize
