I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
