First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
