My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
Randomize
