Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
you told everyone your name was brenda and you had the whole party chanting b-dawgg by the end of the night. successful.
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
Randomize
