Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
