I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Randomize
