I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
Randomize
