I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Randomize
