Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
i would totally change schools right now just to be that new girl everyone wants
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
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