just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
