I intend to get homeless drunk
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
Randomize
