there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
Randomize