gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
He had one of those small greek statue penises
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
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