I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
Randomize
