You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
Randomize
