Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
Randomize
