Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Randomize
