Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
They keep asking what you are doing. I told them to quit calling her "what."
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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