She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
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