sooo i think when i get back from rothbury i should probably take a pregnancy test
but you would be showing by now. i'd just save the money and wait for a large crap in 6 months that starts crying. then you'll know.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
So one buddy got tackled at the urinals by national guard members and was arrested. Another had sex in a port o potty with possibly the drunkest girl I've ever encountered. The rest of us blacked out and won a few bets. So yes, the derby did meet our expectations.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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