five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
Also, beer. Big fan.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize