Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
Randomize