I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
Randomize
