I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
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