Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Randomize
