I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Randomize
