I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
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