But, the reference to being horny and then blending a banana is troubling
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
Randomize
