Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Randomize
