a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
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