First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
