He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
Randomize
