I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
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