In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
Randomize
